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| Coach jack answers questions for: Couples |
Coach Jack, Your experience, knowledge and
wisdom resonated with me. I knew you could help
keep me focused. You have a wonderful energy
and a fabulously big heart. The space you create
for me as a client is supportive, loving
non-judgmental and sharing.
K.O. Canada
wisdom resonated with me. I knew you could help
keep me focused. You have a wonderful energy
and a fabulously big heart. The space you create
for me as a client is supportive, loving
non-judgmental and sharing.
K.O. Canada
Dear Coaches,
About three months ago, I met a guy at a party I attended with my boyfriend.
We ended up talking for quite a while. He's in a relationship too, but it's ending
because she took a job in another state. We exchanged phone numbers,
we've been emailing a lot and we both have met for breakfast and lunch
several times.
I feel like I have a new best friend. He's so easy to talk to – about everything.
We haven't been intimate and no kisses or touching either – but there's
definitely strong attraction. I haven't told my boyfriend about any of this. Is it
wrong to have friends of the opposite sex that I keep from my boyfriend?
Julie from Georgetown
About three months ago, I met a guy at a party I attended with my boyfriend.
We ended up talking for quite a while. He's in a relationship too, but it's ending
because she took a job in another state. We exchanged phone numbers,
we've been emailing a lot and we both have met for breakfast and lunch
several times.
I feel like I have a new best friend. He's so easy to talk to – about everything.
We haven't been intimate and no kisses or touching either – but there's
definitely strong attraction. I haven't told my boyfriend about any of this. Is it
wrong to have friends of the opposite sex that I keep from my boyfriend?
Julie from Georgetown
Coach Jack responds ...
Lies of omission are in fact more hurtful than the spoken lies we utter. Albeit a
white lie or something far darker, all have the same effect, and bear the same
result -- a break down in trust! Spoken or left un-spoken, lies place us in a
position of being "fake" with ourselves and with others.
Your relationship with both your boyfriend and secret pal are floundering in
deception. Have you told your pal that you failed to mention meeting him to
your boyfriend? So, what's next? Continue the sham in the certainty of being
found out eventually – having to defend your actions, or having a conversation
with your boyfriend wherein you can explain your action?
Through continuing the deception, the hurt is deeper, and the harm increased
when all comes to light. However, there is some good news for all the
participants in this triangle. Honest, open discussions (directed by a couples
coach) have the potential of uniting each and all of you in a learning
experience – to make the best of your situation. Action with integrity, based in
love may save your relationships. At the very least, you will come away
knowing where your heart and your loyalties are.
Lies of omission are in fact more hurtful than the spoken lies we utter. Albeit a
white lie or something far darker, all have the same effect, and bear the same
result -- a break down in trust! Spoken or left un-spoken, lies place us in a
position of being "fake" with ourselves and with others.
Your relationship with both your boyfriend and secret pal are floundering in
deception. Have you told your pal that you failed to mention meeting him to
your boyfriend? So, what's next? Continue the sham in the certainty of being
found out eventually – having to defend your actions, or having a conversation
with your boyfriend wherein you can explain your action?
Through continuing the deception, the hurt is deeper, and the harm increased
when all comes to light. However, there is some good news for all the
participants in this triangle. Honest, open discussions (directed by a couples
coach) have the potential of uniting each and all of you in a learning
experience – to make the best of your situation. Action with integrity, based in
love may save your relationships. At the very least, you will come away
knowing where your heart and your loyalties are.
Regardless the instigator, deception is generally the death noll for any
relationship. The aggrieved party has to have a formidable forgiving nature
in order to get past the lie. Be up - front, maintain your integrity when it's
possible to deceive by not doing it. Speak your mind, live with the results.
Read the letter below. What would you do?
relationship. The aggrieved party has to have a formidable forgiving nature
in order to get past the lie. Be up - front, maintain your integrity when it's
possible to deceive by not doing it. Speak your mind, live with the results.
Read the letter below. What would you do?
Dear Coaches,
I'm a retired finance professional and my girlfriend runs a small public relations
firm. We've been dating about 3 years. We live about 40 miles from each other
so we both do a lot of driving to meet for dates. And we can't see each other
as regularly as we would like because it can be quite challenging. We both
own our own large homes (debt free), but I've been thinking about selling mine
to move in with her to cut down on commute time, the duplicate expenses, and
of course the high cost of gasoline.
We're both really on board with this idea, but I want to know if there are some
things we might not be considering if we make this move. I live in a fairly
economically depressed area so if I sell my home, I certainly won't be getting
the top dollar I would have if I had sold it years earlier. I may not be able to sell
it at all since there are a lot of homes for sale around here.
She and I have no intention of ever getting married, but we want to live
together. We both have grown children and they are provided for in our wills.
We do intend to keep our money separate and split expenses. I haven't lived
with a woman since I lived with my ex-wife and that was over 10 years ago. As
you can imagine, this will be a big change on many fronts for the both of us.
I'm also concerned with what it will be like to live with someone every day since
it's been so long since I've done that. I'm wondering how this might change the
dynamic of the relationship, our attractiveness to one another (absence does
make the heart grow fonder), and even our sex life. I am a little bit concerned,
but not sure exactly what I should be concerned about. What's your advice?
What are some things we should be thinking about before considering this
change? Should I move or not?
David from Jamestowne
I'm a retired finance professional and my girlfriend runs a small public relations
firm. We've been dating about 3 years. We live about 40 miles from each other
so we both do a lot of driving to meet for dates. And we can't see each other
as regularly as we would like because it can be quite challenging. We both
own our own large homes (debt free), but I've been thinking about selling mine
to move in with her to cut down on commute time, the duplicate expenses, and
of course the high cost of gasoline.
We're both really on board with this idea, but I want to know if there are some
things we might not be considering if we make this move. I live in a fairly
economically depressed area so if I sell my home, I certainly won't be getting
the top dollar I would have if I had sold it years earlier. I may not be able to sell
it at all since there are a lot of homes for sale around here.
She and I have no intention of ever getting married, but we want to live
together. We both have grown children and they are provided for in our wills.
We do intend to keep our money separate and split expenses. I haven't lived
with a woman since I lived with my ex-wife and that was over 10 years ago. As
you can imagine, this will be a big change on many fronts for the both of us.
I'm also concerned with what it will be like to live with someone every day since
it's been so long since I've done that. I'm wondering how this might change the
dynamic of the relationship, our attractiveness to one another (absence does
make the heart grow fonder), and even our sex life. I am a little bit concerned,
but not sure exactly what I should be concerned about. What's your advice?
What are some things we should be thinking about before considering this
change? Should I move or not?
David from Jamestowne
Coach Jack responds ...
I think you already know that distance is relative. It can span room-to-room or
town-to-town. It's the closeness of your love that keeps your relationship intact.
You have done exceptionally well to keep a relationship of distance going for
three years – a cause for much celebration!
Living together encompasses shared time, meals, outings, TV, movies, bed,
and seeing family, to name a few. During your relationship you've done all
these. The mystery is gone. That's exciting! Everything else is periphery.
"Just do it." A relationship is a wondrous, awe-inspiring melding of mind, body,
and Spirit. A relationship has its own dynamic – there will always be change in
the wind. Embrace that change like you would your girlfriend after an
absence. Your relationship is and will be what the two of you create together,
just as it has been. Talk to each other. Share your fears – meet them head
on, share your joys, celebrate them. I believe that in keeping wonder, awe and
joy in your relationship all your cares will be dissolved. Good fortune and
God's Blessing to you.
I think you already know that distance is relative. It can span room-to-room or
town-to-town. It's the closeness of your love that keeps your relationship intact.
You have done exceptionally well to keep a relationship of distance going for
three years – a cause for much celebration!
Living together encompasses shared time, meals, outings, TV, movies, bed,
and seeing family, to name a few. During your relationship you've done all
these. The mystery is gone. That's exciting! Everything else is periphery.
"Just do it." A relationship is a wondrous, awe-inspiring melding of mind, body,
and Spirit. A relationship has its own dynamic – there will always be change in
the wind. Embrace that change like you would your girlfriend after an
absence. Your relationship is and will be what the two of you create together,
just as it has been. Talk to each other. Share your fears – meet them head
on, share your joys, celebrate them. I believe that in keeping wonder, awe and
joy in your relationship all your cares will be dissolved. Good fortune and
God's Blessing to you.
Decisions are not always easy. Choosing a new path seems a daunting task
until you take action. In a situation like the one below it is always possible to
admit a mistake and re-group than it is to live second guessing yourself as
a result of non-action.
until you take action. In a situation like the one below it is always possible to
admit a mistake and re-group than it is to live second guessing yourself as
a result of non-action.
Being 1/2 of a partnership, whether temporary, getting
serious, or already committed for life takes preparation,
trust, and Love. Today's relationships are challenged more
than ever before. Getting help is also easier than ever
before. All you have to do is: ASK.
As you've probably heard before, "no question is a dumb
question." This is especially true where partnerships are
concerned. Don't be embarrassed, and don't hesitate to ask
a question. Replies are sent directly to you and are not
published without your express permission. Use the form
below. We look forward to helping you! cjc
serious, or already committed for life takes preparation,
trust, and Love. Today's relationships are challenged more
than ever before. Getting help is also easier than ever
before. All you have to do is: ASK.
As you've probably heard before, "no question is a dumb
question." This is especially true where partnerships are
concerned. Don't be embarrassed, and don't hesitate to ask
a question. Replies are sent directly to you and are not
published without your express permission. Use the form
below. We look forward to helping you! cjc
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